Getting to Relaxation

Finally! My mind has started to relax. A few days ago I arrived at Nechung Dorje Drayang Ling temple on the Big Island of Hawaii. It is located an hour south of Hilo in a very remote location. As soon as I arrived (the moment I stepped out of my car) I was summoned into the temple for evening prayers. I entered the temple, prostrated three times, and sat on a cushion. Sitting in the lotus position, I raised my awareness of everything around me: the smell of the incense, the beauty of the altar, the sound of the bell.... The lama moved rapidly through the prayers, leading the congregation in chanting. It might have been a serene moment for the other participants. But for me, it was a reminder of just how jumpy my mind had become.

My mind wandered, called forth anxieties, wanted to impress, fantasized about the future, mulled over regrets... The Buddha said that the untrained mind is like a wild elephant. It does whatever it wants, even if it causes you great distress. My elephant-thoughts were on a rampage.

It is fascinating that in this peaceful setting my mind actually became more anxious than it was during my routine work week in San Francisco. Why? Because the ordinary mind (the ego) doesn't know how to deal with spirituality. Spirituality involves intuition, faith, and the abandonment of the labels that we use to describe ourselves. The ego, whose job it is to protect us, likes to play it safe and operate in concrete terms. ("I am Scott Hunt. I am a consultant and an author. I went to Harvard." Etcetra etcetra.) Yet whereas the ego is all about personal definitions, spirituality is transpersonal. Buddhism in particular teaches about "emptiness" -- the lack of inherent nature in any of the terms that the ego likes to present.

So I watched as each nagging thought arose: "You came here for your birthday? Why aren't you celebrating with your friends? What are you trying to prove? What is that ridiculous chanting going to do for you? What does all that cling clang ding ding ding mean anyway? Who are you praying to? The same deities that abandoned you during your darkest hours? Doesn't your back hurt sitting on that little cushion? Do you think you'll be accepted here?"

Thankfully I have a strong foundation in meditation. I've gone on many retreats. One thing that I've learned is that it takes a few days for the mind to calm down. In the meantime, one has to be patient with oneself. You have to coax the rampaging elephant to be still. I gently tried to refocus my mind and not get caught up in any of its ramblings. My goal was simply to do the best I could, get some rest, and try to gain comfort with my surroundings.

Slowly I began to unwind. Several walks through the forest reciting mantra and listening intently helped me immensely. As did a number of short sessions on my own chanting prayers, in addition to the hour-long sessions in the morning and the evening with other participants.

Yesterday after evening prayers I emerged from the temple and sat on the stairs. It was raining heavily and I could hear thousands of drops striking the leaves of the plants and trees. I could hear also the sounds of the birds calling for attention. I smelled the incense and watched as its smoke curled up into the air. I noticed the intensity of the colorful prayer flags and the forest beyond. And I felt at ease for the first time in a long, long time.

Calming the mind is beneficial by itself. But for me the point of a calm mind is to set the stage for greater insights. Deep insights, culminating in an absorbed state called samadhi, come about when the mind is not distracted, when its enormous power is concentrated on the interior world.

I hope in the coming days I will calm my mind further and begin through contemplation, meditation, and prayer to develop the insights I need to guide me in the next phase of my life. But if that ambition is too grand for this short retreat, at least I will have reconnected with my spiritual tradition and felt again the power of my own buddha nature.